Going Home?

One thing that I feel I am missing out on in life at this moment is anything to do with horses. I am a horse person. On any given day in high school, I would be at the barn during my lunch hour, on my off hours, and between tests- I would return to school sporting spurs and muddy jeans. College was no different, especially because I was learning how to train horses and all about the industry. But now? I haven’t seen a horse up close since the day before I left. I know that it’s triggering part of my depression.

Adam and I were talking today. He was heading to the gym and asked if I wanted to go. We ended up talking for a little while about how it wouldn’t be good for my mental health right now. I’m not as strong as I used to be. I’m not in shape, my legs have lost most of their muscle, and my arms (though they were always small) are so weak now. It’s all because I don’t have horses. I got used to throwing around 40lb saddles and 70lb hay bales. I got used to working out my legs for nearly 9 hours every day of the week by riding horses. I worked out my core by using my balance and doing different exercises on the horses while I rode. But I can’t do that now. I have no muscle. I lost the six pack I had.

Because of this, I mentioned that I miss horses. I would even go back and work for my last boss (who was a total prick) just because it would mean me being back to horses. So Adam told me that I can leave if I want. I can go back to the states whenever I want to so that I can get a job with horses. I hate admitting how tempting of an offer that really is. But 1) I can’t leave him. I’d be even more depressed away from him than I am right now. 2) I just got my cat over here, I can’t spend another few thousand to ship her all the way back home. 3) He wouldn’t survive without me, and I wouldn’t survive without him. Now that we’ve been together for so long? I can’t do that to him.

I honestly wish that I could though. I’d love to fly back home, see my parents, siblings, and friends. I’d buy back my horse. I’d move to Texas or Arizona to work for a trainer down there. I’d take a week every few months, or a whole month twice a year and come see my Adam. Because to be honest, him mentioning that idea wasn’t the first time it’s gone through my head.

Adam is where I’m meant to be. I’m to be with him, forever. That’s why we got married. And sure, we’ve done the long distance thing before. Heck, a week after we got married we were long distance for nearly six months! But I don’t want to do that again. As for taking lessons out here in England? They’re so expensive! Closer to $100 per lesson! We can’t afford that, especially right now because my mental health is keeping me from working. I’m getting better though, and I hope to be getting a job soon.

I miss my horses. I miss their smell, their feel, all of their sounds. I miss getting stepped on, bitten, and drug around the arena by a rope that got knotted around my feet. I miss them, but I’d miss Adam more. I do know that I can’t wait to move back to the states. We plan on getting a house with a nice spot of land so I can keep a horse or two. That’s the future though. And I have to live in the now.

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