Something that I’ve seen many times, though usually portrayed in movies, is the “free pass” or the “list” between couples. The “free pass” or “list” tends to refer to a spouse who is allowed, through agreed terms, to sleep with someone outside of their monogamous relationship. Many people have a top 5 they would sleep with if given the opportunity- oftentimes these are celebrities, people of high social standing, or people not normally obtained in “real” life. I gave my husband a free pass.
In fact, I told him that he could have a list. And with my truth splayed before you like a lamb before slaughter, I meant every word of it for him. Obviously, I have my one person should the improbable opportunity arise, but I gave Adam basically free rein to cheat on me. I gave him free rein because I am absolutely terrified that I am not, nor will I ever be, enough for him. So… why the hell am I telling you guys about this?
Mostly because I have this new urger to write everything that goes through my head. Secondly because… well because Adam told me the other day that he couldn’t imagine ever sleeping with anyone else. For some reason that makes me even more insecure. How silly is that? There’s no reason for me to feel insecure when your husband tells you that he wouldn’t be able to cheat on you. Wouldn’t. Couldn’t. Impossible. He told me that he can’t see himself sleeping with anyone other than me. Even just sleeping in the same bed as anyone else.
Why does that make me feel so bad? I suppose it’s because I feel like now I’m just weighing him down. Look, I know that my insecurities are mine alone, but I still can’t shake the feeling that I won’t ever be good enough for him and that he’s just settling. Now, I love my husband with my entire heart. But I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I’ll wake up one day and Adam will be long gone. Not just because of a training mission or a deployment, but because he grew tired of me. All I want in life is to be able to be secure in my relationship which is probably the most secure situation I’ve ever been in during my entire life.
All I know is that I am so impossibly in love with Adam that I have somehow convinced myself that I will never live up to his standards. But this means that I have to raise the standards for myself. Because it’s not that I’m not meeting his standards, it’s that I’m not meeting my standards. Which is why I’ve been working out lately. I want to get healthier and make myself better so that I feel good about being… me.