Adam left for his training on Tuesday, and I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that I’m alone. I’ve been on my own before, and I’ve been without him before, so technically it’s not that different from what I’ve already experienced. What’s different is the fact that I’ve never spent this long with him before and now that we’re apart, I feel totally empty. I can talk to you guys about dating long distance if you want to, we got through it pretty well.
Adam had to work every single day leading up to him leaving, so it left very little time for packing and such. Because he was working, it was up to me to do all of his laundry and make sure his uniforms were clean, make sure his beret was formed and clean, and to make sure that he had the bags ready that he was going to need. We packed Monday night all the way up until Tuesday at like 2am- he had to get onto the bus at 4:30am, so we were definitely stressing. There were some last minute items that he needed that we didn’t know he needed. Like bedsheets. We only have the one set of bedsheets, so I have had to sleep on a mattress that has a blanket put on top of it. He also needed travel size toiletries, which he didn’t have. It’s a really good thing that the base has some 24-hour shopettes. After dropping him off at the bus (which is a two-hour ride to the airport, where his plane would leave at 10am) I had to drive home… in the dark. I may or may not have gotten lost, but I made it home all the same. Bonus points is that there is a very real, and high, chance that we won’t get to talk at all these two weeks. I’ve never gone two weeks without talking to him. I’ve gone a few days before, but he and I have always managed at least a few minutes to say, “I Love You.”
So now, I’m on my own. Truth be told, I haven’t felt this empty in a long time. Empty for me is different than my depression. My depression makes me heavy. I can still feel blankets and I can still taste food. But when I’m empty like this, I can’t. It’s so weird for me to explain this because I’m 100% positive that it’s not normal, but the rest of me isn’t normal anyway, so I’m playing this off like it’s all good.
Something that’s really going to suck about Adam being gone is that he won’t be here for my 22nd birthday. We’ve never celebrated either one of our birthday’s together. Which for some people is completely foreign to be apart from their loved one on a special at all, but it’s normal for people like us. People in LDR’s. People in military relationships. People who know that their relationship, in general, isn’t as important as other aspects of life. I wish he would be here- we had planned on doing something. But he gets home a few days after so we’re going to celebrate then. We will celebrate him being home and my birthday all in one big shebang. So all in all, it won’t be that bad. This isn’t even the first birthday I’ve spent on my own. My 21st birthday was comprised of me sitting in my one bedroom house in Iowa, 8 hours away from anyone that I knew (apart from my boss), eating a cold boxed dinner and drinking a warm beer. Yeah. my 22nd is going to be a setup. I’ll have my friends out here, and I’ll see if anyone wants to go out to dinner or something. But I’m not so good at the friends’ thing, so I’m not sure what’s going to happen.
With Adam being gone, this is a huge trial run for me during his deployment. We don’t know when that will be, but it’s going to happen in the decently near future. Neither one of us are prepared for that when it inevitably comes around. Being on my own is an opportunity for me to get out there, make different friends, and find my way in the community on my own without my husband holding me upright. So while he’s gone during this time, I’m going to talk to a few of the horse stables around here and see if I can do lessons with them. Because I’ve always wanted to learn how to jump. This will give me more chance to meet people with whom I have common ground, and also give me a chance to get back in the saddle. Lord above knows that my muscles know that I haven’t been on a horse in a hot minute. Either way, this is good practice. He and I have gotten through so much already, this is nothing more than a puddle that we have to hop over. I’m used to being alone… I just have to get used to the feeling of being empty once more.